the la boring tar pits

Due to my recent glutting on the tv show Big Bang Theory combined with how godawfully slowly this day has gone by, I have serious ponderings about the time space continuum and relativity.  Unfortunately, I don't have the corresponding vocabulary and/or background in theoretical physics to either voice or answer my own questions.  That's some sort of feedback loop the likes of which may just confound Dr. Sheldon Cooper.

If I didn't absolutely know that the full moon passed me by a few nights ago, I'd swear it was on it's way tonight.  Or someone hung out the psychiatric shingle in front of the library today.

It's slow, Slow, ssssslllllloooooowwwww and I'm mucho bored.  I've done paperwork until my eyes are blurry and irritated and I can do no more.  I've filled in calendars, cleaned up dirty toilet paper, made more coffee than is served at Waffle House, watched gross people dig around in the candy dish, answered a million questions that all seemed to go this similar directions "do you have 1040 tax forms? yes. you do? yes.  so you really do? yes.  i just can't believe you can say that without looking. i can." and still have to stop by Walmart on the way home.

I took 4 and a half days of staycation last week in an attempt to recharge my solitude batteries and it has been sucked away most aggressively since Tuesday.  I didn't even know that was possible.  It makes me think some deep thoughts like, am I burning out after only 17 years?  I don't want to be that crotchety middle-aged librarian so popular in myth, much less a crotchety old one.  I've got a shitload to go before retirement is an option and there's nothing I'd rather do.  That is the crux of the problem.  I adore my work, but I get so tired of it so easily nowadays.  Am I broken?  People get on my nerves like they have never gotten on them before, and they're not even new people.  They are regulars that I've seen and dealt with for YEARS and they are only now trying to be the last straw?  How does that even happen?

I used to hate being around people, then I started public service and discovered I loved helping them, not I seem to be on the other side of some sort of bell curve that I don't appreciate being on.  I was not consulted, or asked, or warned for that matter.  Perhaps it's living alone and liking it, perhaps too much, though I certainly don't want a roommate again.  I can't even imagine having to put up with a significant other at this point, much less a casual acquaintance.  Maybe I need to take a meditation class, dig around in my own head a bit.  Maybe take it seriously and let someone else dig around in my head a bit.

coming out of the fat closet

Oh no, I'm not quite there yet, but I'm working on it.

I've lost a little over 70 pounds in the past 4 months and I am quite proud of that.  I've run into a couple of people whom I haven't seen since I had surgery or since early on afterward.  They smile, give me a thumbs up. I smile, give them a thumbs up back.  Some sidle up to me, speaking out of the corner of their mouths, "You look great!  How do you feel?"  Real quiet, whispering.

I feel great.

I'm proud of myself for making a tough life decision about my health and following through with that decision.

I'm not ashamed that I couldn't just do it on my own.

I'm not ashamed that joining a group didn't help.

What it ultimately comes down to is:  I'm not ashamed.  There's no need to whisper.  There's no need to catch me alone.

I had a vertical sleeve gastrectomy, not a back alley abortion, nor am I conducting a seedy drug deal.  If you know about my surgery and would like to comment on my appearance, do so...no need to be shy.  If you didn't know about my surgery and think I have cancer, you'll be just as relieved as I am for that not to be the case.  Though hopefully my hair loss WILL slow down so that won't become a completely common place reaction.  I've only had a small handful of people ask me if I'm sick, thank goodness.

I'm delighted to talk about it with anyone who'd like to know more about it.  But anyway, I just wanted to say that, to get that out there on the table.

Hi, my name is Holley.  I had weight loss surgery and I'm not ashamed.  Neither should you be.  Claim that decision for yourself, own it, be proud of it, benefit from it.  I know I'm planning to.

keeping resolutions

The key to this one, specifically, is having something to blog about.  Epic fail.  Nothing is going on with me and nothing especially entertaining is going on at work, outside of my general annoyance with tax forms right now.  I can't write about that every day.  Well, I guess I could but I'd be tired of myself long before anyone else had a chance.

I seem to be in some sort of slump right now.  I'm unable to concentrate on any of the 8 books I have to read this month.  That's going to suck come book group/contest judging deadline.  I can't find anything to watch on television since I finished the available episodes of The Walking Dead, Game of Thrones, and True Blood.  I keep returning to Keeping Up Appearances and the Vicar of Dibley so I can listen without watching while either quasi-napping or playing Words with Friends or checking Facebook.  I'll beat you to the punch and admit that I'm working on breaking my FB checking habit.  At least reducing it a little.

It's just when I get off work, I want silence and solitude.  I don't want to go out.  I don't want anyone to ask me ANYTHING.  I don't want to talk on the phone.  I don't want anyone to want anything, or want to know anything, that I may be able to provide.  I'm getting grumpy because I'm not reading, but I can't concentrate on reading because I'm grumpy and unsettled.

WTF?

lemme tell you my favorite time of year

I have a couple of them here at the 'brary, led quite strongly by junior high/high school exams in May and December.  And when I say favorite, I really mean one of the inner circles of hell.

But hey, don't mind me.  After all, my occupation is listed as one of the least stressful jobs this year.  (along with medical records, T.  Let me know how you feel about that, as I know you will read this)

My second most favorite time of year is tax time, which apparently starts (for us) in November.  Guess what folks?  Even if I had your tax forms in November, while legislation is being decided in case you don't watch the news/listen to the radio/read a newspaper/have a pulse, I can't put them out until after the first of the year.  Now the deluge has begun.  "Why don't you have tax forms?"  "When will they be here?"  "Why are they late?"  ...and the like.  People, I have as much control over the when and how of your tax forms as I do over global warming and world peace.  In fact, I think I just may have MORE control over world peace than I have over tax forms.  I ordered the damn things in August.  AUGUST, people.  Just as soon as the ordering was ready, I ordered.  My part is done.  Quit making me personally responsible for your tax forms.  You know where you can get them RIGHT NOW if they're available?  A little thing we like to call the internet.

"You have until April.  Back the fuck off."

That's what I want to say.

I didn't, of course.  But I thought it REAL HARD.

That is all.

the end of year roundup

it's time a) to stop saying I'm getting back up on the blogging horse and f*&king do it and b) condense my sidebar items in preparation for 2013.  It's a small housekeeping item, so bear with me.  I like to be able to look back at this kind of stuff, so I'm dragging you one or two (or zero) people with me.

My weight loss efforts:

February 2008: 386.4

2011

February 7th: 268.8

March 14th: 276

April 4th: 273.4

May 9th: 281.4

June 6th: 275.6

August 8th: 288

September 5: 288.2

November 14: 312

December 12: 322.4

2012

January 2: 329.6

August 13: 325.4
August 20: 325.2

August 27: 327.0

September 3: 314.2

September 7: Gastric Sleeve Surgery

September 10. 305.8

September 17: 301.8

September 24: 299

October 1: 294.4

October 8: 289.6

October 15: 286.0

October 22: 287.4

October 29: 286.2

November 5: 280.0

November 12: 276.8

November 19: 275.2

November 26: 274.8

December 3: 269.6

December 10: 265.8

December 17: 266.8

December 24: away from home
December 31: 262.6

BOOKS OF 2012

• 75. In the Garden of Beasts by Erik Larson
• 74. The Shadow of the Torturer by Gene Wolfe
• 73. The Moviegoer by Walker Percy
• 72. The Hobbit by J.R.R. Tolkien
• 71. Marshall's Guard by Isabo Kelly
• 70. Dead-Eye Dick by Kurt Vonnegut
• 69. Stay by Allie Larkin
• 68. Heart of Danger by Lisa Marie Rice
• 67. Bite by Sean Michaels
• 66. Black Heart by Holly Black
• 65. Girl of Nightmares by Kendare Blake
• 64. Dead Until Dark by Charlaine Harris
• 63. Sara and Eleanor: The Story of Sara Delano Roosevelt and Her Daughter-in-Law, Eleanor Roosevelt by Jan Pottker
• 62. Beautiful Creatures by Kami Garcia and Margaret Stohl
• 61. The Night Strangers by Chris Bohjalian
• 60. Bad Boys Online by Erin McCarthy et. al.
• 59. Red Shirts by John Scalzi
• 58. The Raven Boys by Maggie Stiefvater
• 57. Locke & Key Volume 2: Head Games by Joe Hill and Gabriel Rodriguez
• 56. The Outlaw Album by Daniel Woodrell
• 55. John Dies At the End by David Wong
• 54. Dearly Departed by Lia Habel
• 53. Drive by James Sallis
• 52. Crossed by J.F. Lewis
• 51. Seraphina by Rachel Hartmann
• 50. Unexpected by Lori Foster
• 49. The Case of the Missing Marquess by Nancy Springer
• 48. Locke & Key Volume 1: Welcome to Lovecraft by Joe Hill and Gabriel Rodriguez
• 47. Abraham Lincoln, Vampire Hunter by Seth Grahame-Smith
• 46. The Wave by Susan Casey
• 45. Blood, Bones, & Butter by Gabrielle Hamilton
• 44. Warriors 1 edited by George R.R. Martin
• 43. The Language of Flowers by Vanessa Diffenbaugh
• 42. The Great Escape by Susan Elizabeth Phillips
• 41. Miss Peregrine's Home for Peculiar Children by Ransom Riggs
• 40. Dream a Little Dream by Susan Elizabeth Phillips
• 39. The Secret of the Great Pyramid by Bob Brier
• 38. Nobody's Baby But Mine by Susan Elizabeth Phillips
• 37. Railsea by China Mieville
• 36. Anna Dressed in Blood by Kendare Blake
• 35. The Paris Wife by Paula McLain
• 34. The Enchantress by Michael Scott
• 33. Enticed by His Forgotten Lover by Maya Banks
• 32. The Gatecrasher by Madeleine Wickham
• 31. Georgia's Kitchen by Jenny Nelson
• 30. Amped by Daniel H. Wilson
• 29. Dragon Shift by Alice Gaines
• 28. Crazy for Love by Victoria Dahl
• 27. The Ritual by Adam Nevill
• 26. The Lifeboat by Charlotte Rogan
• 25. The Incorrigible Children of Ashton Place: The Unseen Visitor by Maryrose Wood
• 24. The Sisters Brothers by Patrick DeWitt
• 23. The Duchess Who Wouldn't Sit Down: An Informal History of Hospitality by Jesse Browner
• 22. The Incorrigible Children of Ashton Place: The Hidden Gallery by Maryrose Wood
• 21. A Good and Useful Hurt by Aric Davis
• 20. Extraordinary, Ordinary People by Condoleezza Rice
• 19. Fifty Shades of Gray by E.L. James
• 18. Crucible of Gold by Naomi Novik
• 17. The Cailiffs of Baghdad, Georgia by Mary Helen Stefaniak
• 16. The 27s: The Greatest Myth of Rock & Roll by Eric Segalstad
• 15. Surprise Offense by Carol Halston
• 14. T-R-O-U-B-L-E by Sable Hunter
• 13. Room by Emma Donoghue
• 12. The Reader by Bernhard Schlink
• 11. The Hangman's Daughter by Oliver Potzsch
• 10. Night Road by Kristin Hannah
• 9. Blackdog by K.V. Johansen
• 8. The Age of Innocence by Edith Wharton
• 7. Willpower: Rediscovering Humanity's Greatest Strength by Roy F. Baumeister and John Tierney
• 6. War Horse by Michael Morpurgo
• 5. Farmer in the Sky by Robert Heinlein
• 4. Graveminder by Melissa Marr
• 3. Stay by Ally Larkin
• 2. Deep Cover by Sandra Orchard
• 1. Burning Up by Angela Knight et al

AT THE MOVIES 2012

Les Miserables

Cique du Soleil: Worlds Away

Wreck-It Ralph

Sinister

Paranormal Activity 4

The Possession

Madagascar 3

Paranorman

Diary of a Wimpy Kid: Dog Days

The Campaign

The Dark Knight Rises

Magic Mike

Men In Black 3

Brave

The Raven

Cabin in the Woods

Mirror, Mirror

The Hunger Games

The Lorax

Jack & Jill

The Woman in Black

Sherlock Holmes: Game of Shadows

The Devil Inside

Mission Impossible: Ghost Protocol

movin' right along

So, I'm 6 weeks out from surgery and 43 pounds down.  43 down, 100 to go.  It's gonna happen.

Just so we're clear, here's what I had done:

I feel good, my energy is mostly back. I haven't gotten back to sleeping through the night completely, but I'll get there. I really believe that as soon as the weather figures out that it's Fall and my house stays cool at night that the sleeping issue will get a bit better. After all, what was keeping me up the most were issues of digestion and all that has settled down to at least 98% normal.

Week 7 starts next Monday and I'll be on the lifetime maintenance diet, which means I get to eat whatever I want, in small amounts.  Right now I can eat lean chicken, turkey, fish, or seafood.  I haven't been craving beef or pork as much as I thought I would, but I'm REAL tired of chicken, turkey, fish, and seafood as that's all I've been eating since week 4.  Before that, I got tired of strained soups and soft foods, so progress has been made certainly.

Things that happened pretty much immediately include my knee pain practically disappearing, my plantarfaciitis going the same, and my carpal tunnel settling down.  I assume those issues will continue to subside and if nothing else resulted, I'd be happy with than as those contributed to a lot of my chronic pain.  I still don't walk for exercise a whole lot because that's about the only thing that aggravates my confounded knees but I do ride my recumbent bike a lot.  I have a post surgical followup with my surgeon on Election Day and I expect to get cleared for swimming and maybe some aerobics if my knees will manage it.  I still have some twinges of pain in my abdomen from time to time if I'm twisting or bending while lifting something so I know there's still some healing going on in there.  I don't want to do anything to jeopardize how good I feel right now.  I'm really looking forward to starting back to pilates but it's definitely too soon for that right now.  I do a couple of crunches after my post-cycling stretch, but those muscles are ready for any serious squishing and I'm not going to try for another couple of weeks.  My post surgical instructions said no strenuous exercise for 6-8 weeks, so I can hold out on trying for another 2 weeks. 

No regrets!  Moving forward from here!

How you doin'?

broccoli carbs

Imagine my disappointment to learn that, according to the app I'm using to keep a food log, my one cup of steamed broccoli has almost 10 grams of carbohydrates.  Go on, imagine it.  I'll wait.


My second day of presurgery, low carb eating and I'm....I don't want to say miserable or uncomfortable, but it's easy to see that I was more addicted to them than I imagined.  I'm selecting from a food list provided by my doctor, so I don't have many concerns on that score but I'd really love some cheese dip and tortilla chips about now.  One of my friends on Facebook mentioned having a craving for margaritas and now that's been a recurring thought ALL. DAY. LONG.  The salt, the tequila...I can almost taste them in the air.  Oh well, there's low fat string cheese and natural almonds in my lunch box for a snack on the way home after work.  I shouldn't really be eating this late at night, but if I don't snack there'll be consequences.  And I'll have to take full responsibility for them.

Who knows how Labor Day will go.  I've had several requests for outings, but if I still feel as wishy-washy, willpower and craving-wise, as I do right now I really believe the smartest thing for me to do would be to stay home.  It could be that I'll get over the hump of this by week's end and feel stronger and more confident over the weekend but from where I'm sitting now, it seems unlikely.  Especially knowing I have those two clear liquid days coming up next Wednesday and Thursday.  I haven't been exercising because I don't want to be any hungrier that I am just sitting on my ass.

On the bright side, I learned about a protein powder today in the flavor of Peanut Butter Cookie.  Unfortunately, I also learned they were out of stock.  Trust me, when they get back in stock, I'll do my part to buy them out again.  I can imagine a Frosty Chocolate and Peanut Butter Cookie protein concoction inventing itself in my Ninja as we speak.

I've had several people ask me if I'm scared or nervous and I can't really say that I am.  I've been reading about, preparing and stocking for, and thinking about this since April.  I've got lists and motivational books and charts.  My friend KT has backed me up on a point with which I feel comfortable: I have my shit together.

I told her about some of the YouTube videos I'd briefly looked at.  There was a lot of discussion of contant nausea, not being able to eat, not knowing what to eat, and just general confusion.  But I know what to eat, was informed about the common causes of nausea after this surgery, and have no underlying health issues other than arthritic knees.

I can do this.

here we go

So, I have my surgery date...it's September 7th.  I'll be getting the sleeve. 

My no/low carb diet before surgery starts next week on August 29th and my clear liquid diet starts on September 5th.  I'll be on the clear liquid diet for 2-3 days after surgery, then full liquids, then creamy liquids, then soft foods.  I should be able to work back up to regular foods (as tolerated) in around 6-8 weeks, if I'm remembering correctly. 

I'm nervous and excited but most of all, I'm simply READY to start this new adventure.  If everything goes as planned, I could be down to where I'm supposed to be within the year.  Here's hoping!

the tall, tall, wagon

So, I've been working pretty hard (for me, anyway) on getting back on the exercise wagon.  After my knees went to crap, I fell off of it hard enough to know me out.  It is SO hard to get back in the habit but my knees, while they will never be "good as new," are 95% pain free.  There is no reason I can't climb, gently, back in the saddle and every possibility that once I do they will feel even better.  Intellectually, I know this to be true.  Trying to get out of bed early enough to make it happen is another story in a different language.

I'm here to tell you first hand that the downhill slide from active to sedentary is a steep one.  I'm struggling with a fairly large knot of shame for the level of health I let slip through my fingers.  I'm a big girl, but I used to have boundless energy and decent stamina for general daily tasks.  Not I struggle home exhausted each night.  No exercise or fitness of any kind will be taking place in the evenings unless a miracle occurs.  If it doesn't happen in the morning while I'm fresh and lively, I just don't see it happening.  I'll have to work up to it, that much is obvious.

I believe all these things are linked.  If I can just climb back in to the tall, tall wagon, better things are on the horizon for sure.  Four straight days of getting activity in, and counting!

who's ready for fall?

Um, that'd be me.  I'm so ready for some cooler temps, I could just spit.  We've had a couple of cooler days here and it just whets the appetite for a crisp fall day when I can put a box fan in the window and call it a day.  I really enjoy that time of year (spring and fall) when I have a month or two of power bills down in the double digits since I don't have to run the air/heat.

Anyway, I still haven't received a surgery date and I seem to be on the acid blockers indefinitely.  It's the only way I can tolerate the vitamins.  My knee scope has healed fantastically!  I won't be walking for fitness anytime soon, but I take short walks from time to time.  I'm getting most of my exercise from a recumbent bike, plus I'm pretty active at work.  My plantarfaciitis AND carpal tunnel have both decided to flare up recently so I've really been feeling like an old lady.  Joints popping, limping, stiff and sore.  Plus I hate sleeping in my wrist braces because I always have dreams that I'm tied up and in danger.  It's distressing.

Other than being in a holding pattern, waiting for a surgery date, nothing's going on.  I sleep, drive, work, drive, and sleep again.  I'm usually too tired for anything else.  Being down with the knee, and only for a few weeks, really seemed to mow me over.  I was exercising so hard this time last year before all that began.  I felt good and I WAS good, then it all went to shit so quickly.

Here's hoping I can get back that feeling of well-being and fun by the end of the year!